I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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