weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
