um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
