Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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