last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
