last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I believe in your delicious
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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