I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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