you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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