Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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