just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
