stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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