Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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