just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
