who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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