Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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