Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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