i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
They took my balls.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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