it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
