You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
