Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
