Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
