Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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