My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
