So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
MIDGETS
????
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
