I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
