I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
