i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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