woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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