My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
