Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
