I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Randomize
