I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Randomize
