The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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