just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
