I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
