I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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