how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Randomize
