Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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