Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
