I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
