Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
