It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
