What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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