Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
