Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
