"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
