Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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