You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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