the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
