I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
