um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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